My American Jesus

Mark 9:29

Now as He was going out on the road, one came running, knelt before Him, and asked Him, “Good Teacher, what shall I do that I may inherit eternal life?”

So Jesus said to him, “Why do you call Me good? No one is good but One, that is, God.”

You know the commandments: ‘Do not commit adultery,’ ‘Do not murder,’ ‘Do not steal,’ ‘Do not bear false witness,’ ‘Do not defraud,’ ‘Honor your father and your mother.’”

And he answered and said to Him “Teacher, all these things I have kept from my youth.”

Then Jesus, looking at him, loved him, and said to him, “One thing you lack: Go your way, sell whatever you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, take up the cross and follow Me.”

But he was sad at this word, and started to walk away, because he had many possession.

Then Jesus could not contain himself any longer and burst into laughter, “Come back, come back my friend, I was just messing with you.”

Give up all your possessions,” He laughed, “that’s crazy!”

Then Jesus turned turned to his disciples, wiped tears away from his eyes and said “Can you believe this guy?! He’d try to push a camel through the eye of a needle if it guaranteed him a spot in Heaven!”

Mark 11:15

Cleansing of the Temple

They came to Jerusalem, and on entering the temple he began to drive out those selling and buying there.  He overturned the tables of the money changers and the seats of those who were selling doves.  He did not permit anyone to carry anything through the temple area.  Then he taught them saying, “Is it not written:

'My house shall be called a house of prayer for the all peoples'?  But you have made it a den of thieves.”

Jesus then placed a large table at the entrance of the temple and began selling the following items at bargain prices:

WWJD Bracelets - $2

Buy 1 get 1 free - t-shirts in various styles:

  • Christ’s Gym - $10
  • God Hates Fags - $10

Buddy Christ Figurine - $12

Jesus’ Build Your Own Militia Starter Kit - $700

  • 1 semi-automatic assault rifle of your choice
  • 2 .45’s (for the kids)
  • 1 tranquilizer gun with horse tranquilizer to be used against Death’s Pale Horse during the Apocalypse

Every purchase comes with a free Jesus nightlight.  All sales are final, any and all refunds will be made payable in Heaven.

Matthew 7:12

The Golden Rule

"Do to others whatever you would have them do to you.  This is the law and the prophets." 

"Except in business.  In business - do to others whatever maximizes the profits to your shareholders.  This is law and the profits."

Mark 12:13

Paying of Taxes to the Emperor

They sent some Pharisees and Herodians to him to ensnare him in his speech.  They came and said to him.  “Teacher, we know that you are a truthful man and that you are not concerned with anyone’s opinion.  You do not regard a person’s status but teach the way of God in accordance with the truth.  Is it lawful to pay the census tax to Caesar or not?  Should we pay or should we not pay?”  Know their hypocrisy he said to them.  “Why are you testing me?  Bring me a denarius to look at.”  They brought one to him and he said to them.  “whose image and inscription is this?”  They replied to him, “Caesar’s”  So Jesus said to them, "Pay to Caesar as little as possible.  Pay to yourself what you have earned.  Use Caesar’s roads but avoid paying his tolls.  Send your children to public school and vote against their levies."  

Matthew 4:1

The Temptation of Jesus

Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the desert to be tempted by the devil.  He fasted for forty days and forty nights, and afterwards he was hungry.  The tempter approached and said to him, “If you are the Son of God, command that  these stones become loaves of bread.”  He said in reply, “It is written:

'One does not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes forth from the mouth of God'”

Then the devil took him to the holy city, and made him stand on the parapet of the temple and said to him “If you are the Son of God throw yourself down.  For it is written:

'He will command his angels concerning you' and 'with their hands they will support you, lest you dash your foot against a stone'”

Jesus answered him, “Again it is written, ‘You shall not put the Lord, your God, to the test.’”  Then the devil took him up to a very high mountain, and showed him all the kingdoms of the world in their magnificence, and he said to him, "All these kingdoms and all this wealth I shall give you, if you will prostrate yourself and worship me."

Jesus began to kneel before the devil, but then Satan spoke “But if I do give you all these kingdoms, and all of this wealth, you will have to pay a greater proportion of tax than your fellow man.”

At this Jesus rose to his feet and shouted “Get away, Satan! It is written:

'Thou shall not spread the wealth!'”

Then the devil left him and, behold, angels came and ministered to him

Matthew 6:24

God and Money

"No one can serve two masters.  He will either hate one and love the other, or be devoted to one and despise the other.  You cannot serve God and mammon.  But here’s what you can do.  You can serve God - yet at the same time pray that He grants you that big bonus, that house on the hill, that new iphone, or that 52 inch, 1080p, 160hz, 3D television that you’ve been eyeballing for the last three months - just waiting for it to go on sale."    

Matthew 13:34

The Use of Parables

All of these things Jesus spoke to the crowds in parables.  He spoke to them only in parables, to fulfill what had been said through the profit:

"I will speak in parables so that, in the future, my words will be used to justify war, promote greed, advocate intolerance and give future ‘Christians’ the ability to justify their actions in their never ending pursuit of fulfilling their own wants and desires." 

Matthew 20:29

The Healing of Two Blind Men

As they left Jericho, a great crowd followed him.  Two blind men were sitting by the roadside, and when they heard that Jesus was passing by, they cried out, “Lord, Son of David, have pity on us!”  The crowd warned them to be silent, but they called out all the more “Lord, Son of David, have pity on us!”  Jesus stopped and called them and said “what do want me to do for you?”  They answered him, “Lord, let our eyes be opened.”  Moved with pity, Jesus touched their yes and said "get yourself a job and pay for your own health care."